Couldn't bare to see my dad

The first weekend that I went out to my dad's I wanted to go, but I didn't. I wanted to be at home but I didn't not want to see my dad. I just kinda hoped that this whole thing out disappear. I remember just sitting in the car with my dad crying. I don't remember what he said, and some how I don't think that I mattered. I just wanted life to go back to normal. I didn't want to choose between my parents. I didn't want to. I felt bad for my dad because he was the one that got left. But I also wanted to be with my mom. I always wanted to be with her no matter what. She was my mom. When you get hurt who do you go to? Your mom.

Hole in my Heart

The is nothing like having a hole in your heart. A child of divorced parents is never truely loved as much as they are when their parents are together. How can this be? It is like some of the love that they had for the child got taken away because they needed that love to fill a hole in their heart. I don't think to this day that this hole is filled. Even though I am in a relationship with Ryne there still is a little whole there. A whole that I don't think will ever be filled.

Am I pyschic?

In the middle of July in 1996, I was sitting in my living room at home. I was watching TV and I don't know what but something triggered in my mind that my family is doing well. On my dad side only two of his five siblings were still married, but on my mom's side one of five was divorced. Next thing I know, my siblings and I went to the fair with my grandpa and grandma. We went back to my Aunt and Uncle's house. There my mom came in and she had told us kids that she had moved out. We were all crying. That is the most horrible feeling, knowing that you won't wake up and see your parents together. My mom told me that I was the only one that would be moving in with her because I had requested it and because it was only a two bedroom apartment. The rest stayed with my dad.

Trip to Colorado

When my sister Kerri was a senior in high school, as a family we took a trip to Colorado. It was fun. My Uncle gave us the vacation. We went in the mountains. Kerri got car sick, and tossed her cookies in a McDonolds cup. But when we were there, we were a family, did everything as a family. We went horse back riding, miniture golf, went shopping. I know we did more stuff, but I was only going to be in 5th grade.

Causing my parents to fight

I remember two intanstices where I caused my parents to fight. One summer I wanted to go swimming I was really young. I begged and begged my parents to go swimming. My mom and dad fought about it, and my dad gave in. My mom was going to take us into town so we could go swimming. Before we left my mom forgot to look at the gas gage. On our way into town we ran out of gas. My dad wasn't to happy because he had to come and get us. We never did get to go swimming. I can't help but think that my parents fought because of me. I hated it when my parents fought.

Another time I made my parent's argue I was about 10, my dad had earned enough money so my mom could buy herself a new dress. Easter was coming up and she was going to get a new out fit. I went shopping with my mom one day. She couldn't find herself anything, so I asked if I could get a dress. My mom got me a dress instead of herself. My dad was so mad. My mom was going to leave. She got into the car and my dad went after her. I told them they could take the dress back. I said mom could take it back. My parent's talked it out, and I ended up keeping the dress.

I always told my mom, because she had tried to leave to take me with her. I wanted to be with my mom. I always scared me that one day I would wake up and my mom wouldn't be there.

I was a Brat!

Growing up with 4 older sibling, I was always in a challenge with them. I would race them where ever we went. Ran to Grandma, and Grandpa's house, To the four wheeler, to the mail box. Every where we raced I was always running. So, when my friends would not play with me at recess, I would chase them down, tackle them, and start punching them. I was a little brat.

Learning to ride my bike

I was 7 years old and still had training wheels. It was really hard to learn to keep your balance on gravel. But i remember the day when I didn't have the training wheels on and I was going down a slope down to the hog farrowing house. I actually kept my balance going down it. I got good with my bike. I remember when I was going down our sloped driveway, I put my feet on the handle bars. My dad yelled at me not to do it. My grandpa and grandma had a U drive connecting to ours. I was going down my grandma and grandpa's side so my dad wouldn't see me. I put my feet on the handles crash-boom-bang, I fell of my bike I got scraped up by the gravel. I ran into my grandma's house crying. I was scaried that I was going to get into trouble. I told my grandma not to tell my parents as she was putting bandaides on me. I learned my lesson.

Scott's Fat Nose

Being the youngest, I had to go to my sibliings games. Back in the late 80's early 90's, I remember Kim and Tami would play little league softball, and my parents would take me. The fields that they played at had a huge park with a river right next to it. I always thought that it was be scary to going in that right. I don't ever remember that river being calm. There was one time when my brother and went to go play in the park. I remember looking for Scott and couldn't find him. I tried to tell my mom that I couldn't find him. We came to find out that someone took him to the doctor, because smart littley Scottie went into the baseball batting cage while someone was hitting. He took one too the nose. We would call him Scottie Pippen, and now he diffinately looked like him with his big knows. I told my mom next time Scott is not going to watch after me, I was going to watch after him.

Youngest of Five

I was born on June 6, 1985, in Iowa. I was raised on a farm with my three sister and one older brother Kerri, Kim, Tami, and Scott. Yep. That is right that would make me the baby. Life was good, life was fun. I have fun memories of playing swimming pool in our living room, making forts, playing house and school, but my favorite playing sports. I remember I could whoop Tami playing basketball. I would throw around the football with Scott and Kim. My favorite was having a big yard and we would play baseball. Of coarse we did not have enough players, so we had to use ghost runners. I remember I thought that my dad was the coolest because the could hit the ball over the road into the ditch on the other side. We lost a lot of balls in the ditches. We would go looking for them but we would come out with ticks on us. Man, I miss those days.

What this blog is about?

This blog is about the many paths that I have gone through in my life. Some good, mainly bad. I just want to write the memories that I have to get them out and get them down. I also want to write down where I am at now and where I am headed in life. Everyone one has certain parts of life that is not so pleasant. I know I am not the only one out there that struggles, but I hope that people read this and it either moves them, or helps them make a change.